Bittersweet

I sought the Lord, and he answered me
    and delivered me from all my fears… Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!
    Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!  Psalm 34:4, 8

February 10, 2016:   Just this evening I learned on social media about the death of a friend’s son, a friend from long ago in another state, right after my husband and I had married and moved to the mid-west.  We had lost touch with this family over the years but in the past few, had reunited online.  His death took my breath out of my body, made my chest feel hollow, and the air sucked out of my lungs as if I was unable for a few seconds to actually breathe.  First of course is an instant denial; this cannot be real, followed by the sickening realization that yes, indeed, we live in a fallen world where bad things happen to good people, where death and disease blossom, and just sometimes, we become initiated into a club we did not want to join but are forced into, never by choice. 

This is the third winter in a row that I’ve known of the death of a teen and known the teen, either the teen himself, or his family, all boys.  How is it that I’ve been holding my breath, waiting, thinking that there would be a death this year too, but because the others were in January, I thought we were “okay”, past that point; the cycle would be broken? 

Today, February 10, is my oldest son’s 18^th birthday. 

Every single day I pray for his safety; I beg the Lord to spare my child and keep him in the palm of His hand when he walks out the door.  But other mothers do too.  And, what if the palm of His hand is the palm of His hand in heaven and no longer here on earth?

Our son is a senior in our homeschool high school and it’s nearly driving me mad. 

Some days are giddy, light, and fun and others, well, all I can think about is that he’s leaving me and that’s the last thing I want him to do and the very thing I want him to do.  Why such a conundrum?  This bittersweet adventure: first you do everything you can to teach and train and create independent thinking kids.  You clap for first steps, praise first words, skype new skills to the grandparents but at the same time, the clock is ticking, ticking away every precious step, word, and hour. 

We pour into our children and all of that is a process.  Learning to ride a bicycle, throw a ball, perform a grand je’te, laugh, first smiles, drive a car, all of this is simply letting them go. 

Eighteen years ago and possibly right at this very minute, this baby son of mine who came into the world with a whopping big weight and an even bigger whopping huge head decided that letting go was his priority.  No sooner had I put him up on my shoulder to burp after a first nursing than he took both arms, pushed against me and reared back.  Totally unexpected.  Of course he flopped forward as I quickly recovered from my shock and gently cradled him.  I shouldn’t have been surprised.  

Up on all fours ready to crawl at four months but crying because he wasn’t moving forward, teaching himself to read at the age of three, telling me to be brave and that he’d be there when I returned at age eight as I left to deliver my sixth child,

wanting to build fires, chop wood, help dad with everything, learn technology, read more books than I could keep up with, being so brave and courageous walking into a high school to play sports not knowing a single person, and standing in front of a legislative committee giving a testimony completely unprepared to do so.  All of his life has been this process of go, go, go.  And someday he will go. 

Tolerating it is the only word that comes close to how I feel.  Encouraging it at the same time seems like a juxtaposition but it’s exactly where I am.  We want them to mature, grow, make decisions, choices, think of others, be kind, compassionate, moral, and above all, saved by the blood of Jesus.  We want them to be able to hunt, kill, and eat, in other words, fend for themselves by the time they are “grown”.  But at the same time, our feelings want to pull back and pull in; let them be young enough to sit on our laps one last time for a story.  There are times when it seems even on the good and fun days that there will always be a baby on the lap, plenty of chances for little people time, but it is not so.  The days are fleeting and the time is now. 

Don’t let anyone rob you of these precious years.  We still have a little one in diapers

and this older one looking forward to graduation, but the time passes so quickly.  Unfortunately you will not know it until they are grown and then you wonder.  

I’m not sad about that; we have lived life to the fullest these past eighteen years.  My husband and I showed up for parenting.  We have no regrets.  If I had it to do over, I wouldn’t change a thing.  Ok, a tiny bit, but not hardly much at all.  The ride was fun but unfortunately it didn’t last forever.  But even though we’re getting off this ride in the park of life, a new ride awaits, one that’s fast and furious, fun and adventurous, but at the same time filled with a different set of bells and whistles, an exciting prospect. 

For our friends who lost their son, their ride has stopped; it stalled out in the middle.  It should not be this way and my heart cries out to the Lord for them, for only He can heal and comfort.  It is a wake-up call to us all:  The days are long but the years are short.  Live the dream, love the adventure.  Time is fleeting and flies through our fingers like a well-greased string.  If you haven’t started really living with your babes, do it today; do it right now.  Whatever it takes, change it, fix it, start it, end it, make it happen.  When you get to the end of a stage, the end of your homeschool career, while it will be odd and different, and maybe a little bittersweet, at least you will be comforted that you gave it your all and you will have no regrets.  

Happy New Year 2015

This post, minus all the pictures except the family one at the end, was originally posted on the SCHEA (South Carolina Home Educators Association)
 https://www.facebook.com/pages/SCHEA/487942607958859?ref=br_tf
on Sunday evening, January 4, 2015.... 

 

Happy New Year to You and Yours from SCHEA....

It's that time, whether you've already started back homeschooling or not until next week, when the routine starts back and all that it entails. I have to confess that I am scared. I am still reveling in that pre and post Christmas bliss

when we slept as late as we wanted, 

had no sporting events to zip from to and fro, had eggs for supper if we wanted to, 

 

decided on a whim to watch a movie, read a book, walk on the beach, 

 

get together with cousins, or tackle a household project (we did many).

 

The time that Hubby/Daddy had off work

 

for 3 weeks was precious, and work issues, difficult math, foreign language, and Biology labs, simmered completely silent on the back burner. No, I'm more than a little scared. We have issues to face this month: health concerns, college decisions, new groups, decisions about our future, finishing that difficult math and biology labs, and more. My homeschool is not perfect, my marriage is not perfect, my children are not perfect, and goodness knows my house is not perfect and I am far from perfection. But I don't have to be scared and my life doesn't have to be perfect, because my God is perfect and He carries me through any weakness and trial I have. 

 

He will carry you and your family too. His strength will show through all my weaknesses and affect others. That my friends is called Grace. Grace that is greater than all my sin. Because when I am weak, He is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me and mine and you and yours, the Bible tells me so. That Grace is enough. Our family wishes you a Happy and Healthy new year full of learning about God's grace and just how He can Bless us when we are only obedient to Him.

Blessings on a New Year....

The Rowe Tribe

Kelly Rowe, SCHEA Board Vice-President

A New Year

New Day ~ New Year

Today is June 1 and it's a new year at our house although you'd be hard-pressed to know it.  I slept in slightly and was pretty much completely unconscious early this am after a long night with the baby.  Not sure what was going on but she was up and down most of the night and of course when she went back to sleep I had had just enough of a "nap" to keep me awake until drifting back off and up she'd be again...  I'm sure it's short-lived, but whatever it was, I was one tired gal today.  So, not a great start and I needed about 3 cups of "joey" to get me going while I had dancing, bouncy children all around me asking when we were going to have our spelling test?  So first we decided to read; sit in the family room, cuddle up together and boy did we read:  history stories, chapter books, a nature book.  Then we tackled the other basics of school.  It turned into a long morning which went into afternoon but such is life and no one was harmed by that.  At one point I had all the children in one room listening while we read, although the older ones needed to filter in and out to take care of their pressing school needs.  I sat and savored that, while we were all there, together.  How much longer will I have them all here, under one roof?  I don't sleep well and struggle with "apartness" when one or more of my fledgings is out of the nest, even if just for a day or two.  I'm not sure how I'll do when Scott moves away to go to school or gets married or just goes to Boy Scout Camp for one week this month.  Yikes!  I'll still want all "my people" together the way it feels right. So I thoroughly enjoyed everyone sitting in one room today listening together, knowing that time is fleeting and flies through our fingers like a well-greased string.  And I was thankful for a great way to start an "official" new year.

At lunch everyone discussed that we were into a new month, June, so therefore it was the beginning of a new year, a new school year.  Yes, technically at our Covenant Homeschool, the end of one year is May 31 and the beginning of the next is June 1.  So everyone supposedly moved up a grade today but yet we were still working on the same books, reviewing the same concepts, and using the same curriculum as yesterday.  We work on and off in the summer and take breaks, but it's not really until sometime in August that I set a "start date" that is unofficial and we start back after some time off with new materials and make any changes in curriculum.  This gives me time in the summer to wrap up all loose ends, finish math books, etc.. and plan for the coming year.  Of course, I try to catch up on all my grading, filing, reorganizing, and occasionally move everything around just for fun.  Sometimes I don't think the children all know exactly what grade they are in nor does it really matter, we just keep going.  It's more of a label.  So, let's see, yesterday you were in 1st grade, but today you're in 2nd.  Really?  How does that work?  What works is that it is a slow process, of every day, doing a little bit more, then a little bit more, learning something new and little by little you've accumulated more knowledge, interest, or dexterity, especially related to new skills that require movement ( I'm thinking of all those piano lessons this last year.)  It used to be me explaining this to Scott or Sarah Kelly, now it was me and Scott and Sarah Kelly trying to explain this to the little ones who were all amazed that now they were in a different grade with just the turn of the earth in 24 hours.

This all made me think of the way our lives are like this in Jesus.  We struggle, work hard, pray, read our bible, talk and talk about how to live and we just keep plodding along, sometimes humbly, sometimes messing up.  We get enough grace to make it, one day at a time, enough to see us through.  We try not to borrow trouble from the days coming; we know that each day has enough worries of its own. And it's a daily deal.  Every morning I wake up I have to make a choice.  I have to choose to be thankful, rejoicing, happy, settled in Jesus, and peaceful.  I can make the right choice but I have to do it daily, each time I wake over and over and over.  And eventually I get some things right, do better at some skills (I'm working on gentleness right now), and move on to the next virtue. (In my case, I have a plethora of ones to choose from; let's see, patience, self-control, gaining wisdom, control of the tongue....)  I'm trying to teach the children math, science, love of reading, phonics, and so much more but what I hope to accomplish even more of is teaching them to love, cherish, honor, obey, serve, care, be responsible, giving, and many more character traits. 
Tonight one son was annoyed, highly annoyed by another son.  I said, we must all learn not to be annoyed by one another.  He was incredulous and said, "He ALWAYS is annoying."  I replied that we can choose to be annoyed by another's behavior and it's quite possible that if we choose to NOT be annoyed that we may find that we ARE not annoyed any longer.  Then, it hit me.  How often am I "annoyed" by one of my children's behavior?  This does happen.  Am I communicating annoyance?  Do the others see this and then are annoyed by their sibling?  Hmmm, something for my husband and I to talk about.  I'd like to think about this one some more, chew on it, and watch myself in the coming days so that I don't show annoyance and frustration.  This is very difficult and perhaps the hardest thing I have ever had to do, live my life in front of young ones who are learning to live theirs.  I can get scared and quit and make worse choices for my children or I can call out to God and ask Him to help me and give me wisdom.  I am not perfect nor do I profess to be, but I am forgiven and I know that God has given me enough grace for the day, the moment, the opportunity, and I am trying to use what he teaches me for His glory.  Hopefully this year I can teach my children this, there is forgiveness when we mess up, there is grace at the foot of the cross, there is always always love.  And somehow I think in my curriculum of life, this will be enough, just enough whether for preschoolers or high schoolers in our new year. 



Kelly, married to Jeff, is the mother of 9 children, 7 of whom are still physically living in her home on this earth.  She lives, loves, laughs, cries, and writes in her upcountry SC home with that awesome man she married who fathers all those babies ranging in age from nursling to, as of today, high schooler.