Emotions, Can You Trust Them? ~ October 3, 2013

Of course the answer is no.  It is October the 3rd today, 5 years ago today, it was Black Friday.  Then there was no football, no teenager, no #80 to cheer on...

 But...You go go go, push on with an everlastingness...

 Time is fleeting; it slides through your fingers like a well-greased string.  Push on - push on - push on - is the pulse of your life. 
 

 You evade that which you can see but are blindsided by that which you can't...

 Emotions are topsy turvy in the grand scheme of life.  They can be “all in a day’s work”.  The busyness keeps us on our toes, keeps thoughts and feelings at bay.  School, grocery shopping, making 100 ham biscuits, tea, macaroni and cheese.  Making sure these football players get fed...
 

 So they can keep the pace and push forward towards the goal, the prize...

 achieve the near impossible...

 I am making sure they ALL get fed...

 getting little boys to soccer...

 praising Elizabeth for her resourcefulness and sweet spirit...

 yet no time for something seemingly simple, like haircuts. 

 

 Smiling at the baby on a grocery store outing where the only cake she likes in the case is the one with the “bootball”.  “Bubby” she says.  “Bootball, Bubby.”  She is living such a different life as the youngest than her oldest brother.  As they all are, she is spelled JOY.

 thanking Sarah Kelly for her help...

 Reminding our children how friends stick together and make life easier and better...

 In all the times of life, the emotions are there and of course they should be.  Jesus had them here on earth; every emotion or feeling we could possibly had, he did; he shares in our joys and sorrows, literally.  I am not ashamed of feelings, no one should be. 

 At times, we are going down, we know we are going down, there is no stopping no matter how hard we try but we push on and continue to go down because it is in us to push on, to trust in what we cannot see or feel or even wrap our heart  around.  This is the real life. 

  This is faith.  But we get back up, sometimes when we are unable.  We know what lies around the bend, though not always, but yet, we do.  Eternal life is just beyond our reach but someday we know it is coming, when we go down, get back up, and push on, it will be within our grasp.  It will be our time.

 There is no emotion like the ones you don’t feel; those you are numb to.  They are there, physically in your neck, the stretch of your face, but they are foreign and untouchable.  I am weakened from little sleep,  focused all the day, pushing through, moving through motions, knowing it is coming.  But I do not know what it is. 

 A game I watch.  I watch my oldest, all JOY to me, watch him fall, get back up, push through again.  Listen to the crunch as they slam him.  Watch him slam two down to stop their goal endeavors, watch him force the ball from another.  

 Watch him fall, slow to rise.  Hold my breath.  Pray. Pray. Pray.  Then again and again.  Watch him not rise the second time.  Watch in slow motion, no breaths again.  Then I stand.  I am the only one standing, not so I can see but so I can be closer to God.  God are you hearing my prayers?  The helmets begin to come off in their hands.  My sister’s hand on my side as I only stand.  My husband, extremely still and quiet.  My heart thumps out of my chest; I can almost hold it in my hand.  Slowly he rises with help.  As he limps across the field with help, I hear his name, someone shouting to him while all around me is clapping.  Someone shouts and cheers for him.  I realize later, it is my voice shouting for him - encouragement and others joined in though it does not seem to come from within me.  They all know he is mine as I do for when another falls, we all hold our collective breaths and pray.  Praises spoken to the Lord.  A brief rest, only one play, then back in the game, the game of life.

 A mom texts tonight just to make sure he is okay. I read it to my husband.  All have gone home now.  The 15 member fan club in the stands tonight for Number 80, all have left except the 9 that live here.  The boys have all gone home.  The 6 batches of popcorn have mostly been eaten.  There is the remains of second dinner strewn around, for these boys eat again since it is available, laundry the granddad was folding, popcorn on the floor.  But the conversation around the house was exciting stuff and memories are made, those that cannot be taken away by any emotion or feeling.  There is only a badly bruised leg, a bruised and swollen thumb, and one exhausted son, I tell her.  But he is fine.  What could have been is kept at bay and he is okay.

She is so glad she texts back.  I sit on the chair in our bedroom, my husband, is in the bed, we talk now.  Quietly we remember when it was not fine.

We all came home tonight and there were 3 little boys, all in red shirts playing football in the yard at 10 pm.  We watched, it was fun for them and us.  Scott was amused but at some point we had to go retrieve them.  After all, the neighbors might want more sleep than us.  Those crazy home schoolers they’ll say.

It is now quiet here.  

But we talk about the 2 boys who would have been running with them , the ones who should be running with them.  The ones whom we would have watched at some point do with their lives things that make us hold our breath, stretch the emotions out and away.  They are not here.  I am spent now, completely have nothing else to give.  We say how we would let them play in the yard all night if those 2 boys could come back to us.  We remember and are lost in our thoughts of a small 9 oz. 9 inch long son, one named Jonathan, the gift of God,whose soul was already with our Father in Heaven as we saw his lifeless body on a screen 5 years ago today. 

The tears come now but just as suddenly as they come, they are gone.  These emotions, you cannot trust them.  For this son, will never feel pain, rejection, disappointment.  His mother will never have to hold her breath, watch him play a sport with one eye open, or stand and pray for him to rise from a field.  He is as safe as he can possibly be along with his brother Peter and 2 other siblings, so young we have no knowledge of their gender.  There are many many more days with these blessings of JOY in our home, many have passed, but more are coming and more emotional times and more prayers and entreaties for them all.  May the Lord continue to give us the strength to press on and through all of it.  May He give us rest on the bench and quietness from our labors, may He grant us peace in the hard times and joy in the mornings.  Bruises and swellings I can fathom; those I can take on this day.  God will take care of all of us, those He is holding close to Him here on the field of life and those in His arms.